It is about halfway through the day and I get that feeling. I am nervous; I am trapped. And there is no reason to be: I am simply following the same routine I always have. But the feeling settles in heavy, and there is no where I can run to. My emotions have once again betrayed me. And this feeling illustrates to me, with picture black and white, that this momentary bleeding is not what is causing the aching. No, the cause is a fear. What if they knew? What if they knew? I spend so much time and energy keeping my worlds from colliding, say one thing to her, a different to him. But what if once I showed them- showed them that I simply am human, not more, not less. I think about the lies I spin, perfectly contained and I think about the emotion I display, perfectly calculated and I think about the things, perfectly good, I think all these things, and I think it is not enough. Because what I want: I want the wind, I want the danger, I want the excitement, I want to be grown up, I want to act like a child, I want time to stop spinning, but at the same time, if it does not go faster I might just die, but most of all, I just want to live. The nervousness flows through me, but the fears and wants stay perfectly contained. Just one more week, I tell myself, then I will be truthful.
And a week later, when I get this felling, halfway through the day. I am nervous; I am trapped...
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